10 Ways to Kill Lenalee Lee
by lazyllama-xx
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like. Lenalee will die at the hands of those who are sick of her whiny voice and floods of tears. WARNING: She may die.
1. Komui: Crappy Coffee

**_Yo!_**

**_ok i mentioned this in my Truth or dare fanfic, and i was sarcastic when i spoke about it, but after some supportive comments, it became reality XD_**

**_WARNING: If you're a real dumbshit and didn't see the title, there is going to be lots of Lenalee-killing in this story.. Don't like it, kiss my furry llama butt. _**

* * *

Lenalee hummed as she made her way over to her brother's office, carrying a tray of coffee for him and the rest of the Science Department. Her flat shoes clicked against the stone floor, small red skirt swishing as she approached her brother's door.

'Nii-san?', she called, smiling brightly. The smile faded slightly at what she saw. She sighed. 'Komui, again?'

A huge vat of a rainbow, bubbling, tar-like substance sat in the middle of the eerie room. The lights were dim, and there was a cold, menacing feeling in it.

'Nii-san must be experimenting', Lenalee mused. 'This _always_ happens when he experiments…but what is this?', still holding the coffee tray, she walked over to the vat, reading the big black writing on it.

_Komui's Super Secret Extra Strength Hair Holder for Unruly God-like Yeti Hair (KSSESHHFUGLYH)_

'Oh God…his hair gel again?' Lenalee groaned.

'Lenalee, is that you?' Komui's voice was the low, serious tone he used with Bak Chan from the Asian Branch. 'I've been waiting…'

Lenalee broke into another bright smile. She held out the coffee. 'I brought you coffee!' she exclaimed. 'Don't you remember what happened last time you made this stuff?'

Komui ignored her and slowly made his way over to his large chair, fingers steepled in thought, legs crossed one over the other.

Lenalee frowned. 'Nii-san, is everything alright?'

'Everything will be, Lenalee', Komui whispered. He grabbed a slim object from his desk and pushed a small red button on top of it.

'Ko~mu~rin!', the low purr of Komurin XI filled the room. Lenalee shrieked and tried to run. Before she could take more than a step, Komurin's claws wrapped around her, lifting her up high in the air. The coffee tray fell to the ground with a _smash!_

'Nii-san!', Lenalee shouted. 'You made _another_ stupid robot?!'

Komui appeared unfazed. 'Yes'

Lenalee rolled her eyes. This Komurin certainly was different. It's paddle-like paws were now claws resembling Allen Walker's Crown Clown. They formed a perfect and _sharp_ round cage. Lenalee was on her side, wincing as the sharpness cut into her exposed legs.

'Dark Boots, Hatsudou!', she shouted. The Crystal-type Innocence on her legs quivered, but nothing happened. Her eyes widened, and she turned to Komui in confusion.

'N-Nii-san…my Dark Boots aren't working!', she gasped. Her eyes widened further when Komui merely chuckled.

'Of course they aren't, Lenalee, Komurin won't let them work', he smiled. 'Komurin has condensed the blood so it's too thick to activate', Lenalee let out a pained shriek as a jolt of electricity ran through her body. 'Oh, and I wouldn't try that again if I were you, annoying sister, because I also made Komurin electrocute you each time you try!'

Lenalee's eyes filled with tears. 'Why, Komui?'

'What do you mean, "Why?"', Komui snapped. 'Your coffee tastes like shit!', he pushed another button, and Komurin moved the caged and sobbing Lenalee over the vat of _KSSESHHFUGLYH, _cackling while thunder split the sky and flashes of light illuminated the dark room.

Lenalee gasped, blinking through her tear-filled haze at the bubbling substance now beneath her. 'N-Nii-san what are you doing?!'

'Bye bye, Lenalee!', Komui sang. 'Now, Komurin! Before she speaks again!'

Lenalee's scream was cut short as the cage opened and she fell the few feet into the bubbling hair cream. Komui watched with a small smile on his face.

'That stuff is lethal', he explained to no one in particular. 'Of course, it keeps _my_ hair nice and shiny and sleek, but when others tried it, their hair disintegrated', his smile widened.

He jumped slightly as Lenalee appeared on the side of the transparent tub, face squished up against the side, completely-

_-__**Censored**__-Insert gruesome imagination here_-

-Komui shuddered at seeing the results, pushing yet another button. A pink and green sheet fluttered over the cage, encasing it completely. The sheet had slanted pink writing on it.

_See you in hell, Lenalee-chan!_

Komui cackled again, the cackle turning into a full on evil laugh, the thunder behind him cracking in the sky once more. After several seconds, his evil laugh became odd fits of hiccoughs. He wiped tears from his eyes, sighing and grinning.

'Oi, Komui can I shut the Storm Simulator off now?', Reever growled from behind a bookcase. 'This crap is freakin' expensive, you know, and that slut's dead now'

'Oh, yes, yes, turn it off', abruptly, the sky turned back to its pleasant cobalt blue, silver stars twinkling. Reever pulled a huge plug out of the wall with a grunt of effort.

'Phew', he sighed, wiping an arm across his forehead. Ruffling his blonde hair, he lazily made his way over to Komui, leaning on the desk. 'What now?'

'Well, that went quicker than I thought, and there's still twenty minutes till dinner, so wanna play poker?'

Reever shrugged. 'Might as well', he grinned. 'Shall we invite Allen? He's a devil at poker'

'Oh, but you are wrong, Reever', Komui said with a shake of his head.

'Eh?'

'I just disintegrated the devil'

* * *

**_OH BURN! _**

**_I wrote this in about 15 mins, so i hope i didnt make too many typos XD I don't have a BETA and i dont tihnk i'll need one for this fic... :3_**

**_I already have a list of 10 ways for her to die, but if you have some ideas, i am willing to add them instead of some of my own. I will soon be publishing a 10 Ways to kill Chaoji Han fanfic as a follow up to this XD_**

**_Oh, and if you flame me about this, expect a reply :) Im writing this because im bored and depressed._**


	2. Lavi: You woke me up, now you BURN

_**Muahahaha! Chapter two is now up XD 13 alerts?? 8 faves? 8 reviews? woa...im not the only lenalee hater ^^**_

**_DISCLAIMER: If i DID own d gray man, Lenalee would have been dead LOOOOOONG ago. Hoshino Katsura owns d gray man and lenalee's fate. this is just a FANFICTION._**

**Lavi's turn 3**

_

* * *

__Knock! Knock! Knock!_

Lavi frowned and rolled over, snuggling into his pillow.

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_

'Go away', Lavi mumbled.

'Lavi!', a high-pitched voice called. 'Lavi! Lavi, are you there, Lavi? Lavi?'

'Goddammit' he growled. 'No offence, dude', his heavy-lidded eye rolled up to the ceiling.

'Lavi!', the voice sang shrilly.

'He's not here!', Lavi groaned, rolling onto his back.

'Lavi', the voice scolded. 'I can hear you!'

'…No you can't'

'Open the door! I want to talk to you!'

'Come back when I'm awake'

'You're awake now!'

'No I'm not'

'I'm opening your door!'

Lavi frowned as he heard the familiar creaking of his bedroom door. His frown turned into a scowl when he heard the slapping of Lenalee Lee's shoes on the stone tiles.

_Not her…can't a sexy guy get a few seconds of shut eye?_

'Lavi', Lenalee sang. 'It's twelve in the afternoon! You should be awake or training!'

'I just came back from a mission, Lenalee, gimme a break', Lavi's voice was muffled by his pillow. He felt the mattress sink a little as Lenalee sat on it.

'Stop complaining, Lavi!'

_Snap!_

Lenalee's new clipboard made harsh and quick contact with his head. It didn't hurt much, it never did, but he felt a flare of anger at the action. He growled and sat up abruptly, eye narrowed to a green slit.

'Look, Lenalee, I just got my ass handed to me by a freakin' akuma that literally looked like a piece of shit because Panda was berating me on being young and foolish and failed to see the damn thing hovering behind him, so I had to push him out of the way and get grabbed by its tentacle-thingies while its partner grabbed by hammer. And then I was called a _pirate_ by some kid in the town we were in and stole my headband. So now I'm back here, covered in bruises and scratches and I can't walk without wincing. So yeah, Lenalee, I have every right to complain right now!'

Lenalee looked shocked. 'L-Lavi…'

'That's all you can do, isn't it?', Lavi snarled. '_Complain._ Complain and cry and moan about how you love your little friends. Those little friends of yours end up feeling bad and guilty and they get hurt trying to protect you. And what do you do then? Oh, big surprise, _you cry_ some more!'

Lenalee's eyes were brimming with tears. 'Lavi…s-stop…'

'Just go away and stop crying for once, Lenalee', Lavi sighed, running a hand through his messy crimson hair.

'I-I'm here t-to ask you if you wanted t-t-to come with m-me and Allen-kun and Kanda to t-town', Lenalee said in a small voice.

'Yeah? Well, I know for a fact that Allen is faking being sick to avoid seeing you, and Kanda is having suicidal thoughts concerning your squeaky voice and Mugen'

Lenalee burst into tears. Lavi's eye twitched and he clutched the black material covering his right eye.

'You know what, Lenalee?', he whispered. 'I'm having some suicidal thoughts myself. I told myself a while ago that if I heard you crying one more time I would either kill myself or kill you'

Lenalee sobbed. 'Why is everyone so angry at me?', she wailed.

Lavi scowled. 'Didn't I just tell you why, Lena-bitch?'

'L-Lavi, you're being m-mean', Lenalee sniffed. 'Are you being p-possessed by that Road K-Kamelot again or something?'

'No, idiot', Lavi snarled. 'This here is the anger I've been repressing since I've met your useless ass', struck by sudden inspiration, he smirked, sliding his hammer, Nyoibo, out of its holster. 'Do you want to be useful?'

Lenalee blinked up at him with simpering purple eyes. 'Y-Yes, I don't w-want to be a burden'

'Then follow me', Lavi was smiling now. He turned and ambled out of the room, Lenalee stumbling behind him.

He led her to the training floor, which was empty.

'L-Lavi, why are we here?', Lenalee whispered. 'It's really cold'

The only thing Lavi had taken off when he arrived was his jacket, revealing the olive green shirt he wore underneath. His crimson hair fell over his eyes. He shrugged.

'You won't have to worry about it much longer', he told her. 'Do you wanna see my new technique?'

Lenalee looked curious. 'Y-Yes'

Lavi nodded. He flicked the hammer up in the air. 'Grow, grow, _grow!'_, with each word, the little hammer grew and grew and grew until it was several times the size of Lenalee.

'What are you doing?', she asked stupidly.

With a growl, Lavi swung the hammer through the air before Lenalee had the time to blink. There was a sharp cracking sound and muffled scream as it made contact with her body.

'Home run!', Lavi shouted as Lenalee flew like a ragdoll through the air. He whirled the elongated hammer over his head, holding it behind his back and doing a fancy flourish with his free arm.

'That, Lenalee, is my "Lavi home run"', Lavi explained.

The green-haired exorcist was spread eagled against the wall, limbs splayed at awkward angles, oddly flat.

'Wanna see what's under my eyepatch?', Lavi asked the broken girl excitedly. Her blood smeared head rolled towards him.

Smirking, he slipped long and pale fingers under the black strap, sliding it off his head.

Lenalee gasped.

Lavi blinked with both eyes. 'Like what you see, Lena-bitch?', his whole body glowed bright gold. 'Yeah, it may be a bit creepy, but you should see what else it can do'

The hammer in his hands turned blinding white.

Impaling her on the cross-shaped ornament on the tip of the hammer, he tossed her back on the ground, lifting the hammer once more, bringing it down with a resounding crash.

'Gouka Kaijin: Hiban!', a tongue of flame rose up from a red seal on the ground, twisting and writhing into the shape of a snake. Snarling, it swallowed up Lenalee, spitting her back out.

'La..vi…', she choked. Lavi's _eyes_ widened. Scowling, he brought the hammer down on her again.

'Smash! Smash! Smash!', he yelled in rhythm with each hit of the white hammer, which was a blur. Lenalee's choked screaming grew fainter and fainter until it stopped altogether. Even when she was squashed to a pulp, Lavi kept slamming and yelling until he finally collapsed, panting.

'That's a good workout', he gasped, wiping a hand across his sweaty forehead. 'A nice and painful death is exactly what she deserved', he jumped when there was a wheezing sound.

'Ok, you're beginnin' to piss me off again, Lena-bitch', he growled. 'Wanna see the full power of my hammer?'

He kicked up Lenalee's mangled and charred corpse, and in less than a second, she was flying. Flying out the window, over the castle grounds, over "The Tallest Tree in this Hell-Hole", and out of sight.

'Home run!', Lavi pumped his gloved fist in the air, scrunching up his face in triumph. He blew out a deep sigh.

'Now to _finally_ get some well deserved sleep…after I have a shower'

He heard hurried footsteps and quickly de activated his hammer, sliding his patch back over his eye. He smiled.

Reever Wenham and Johnny Gill stumbled into the room, followed by Allen.

'Lavi?', Reever sounded surprised. 'What happened? You just got back from a mission! You shouldn't be training'

'Oh, I just wanted to test something'out', Lavi shrugged. 'Sorry if I disturbed you guys'

'I sensed an ominous presence', Allen whispered. 'And it was scary and evil. Was that huge pillar of flame yours?'

'Who, me?', Lavi said innocently. 'Ominous? Of course not! I don't have that kinda power', he laughed, running a hand through his hair.

Johnny squinted at him. 'Is that…blood?'

_Shit_.

Lavi looked down, feigning surprise. 'Oh, would ya look at that! I must've sleep-killed a chicken or Komui or somethin''

Reever shrugged. 'Oh, if that's the case…', he trailed off and walked away, waving to Lavi. Johnny followed him.

'Lavi…why is there a piece of Lenalee's skirt attached to your hammer?', Allen asked him slowly.

_Oh shit on a shingle._

'Uh…'

Allen smirked. 'Now that I think about it, I think I saw a burnt cow flying out the window…would you happen to have anything to do with that?'

'Goodnight, Allen'

----

Kanda Yuu leant on the balcony of his motel room, arms clasped in front of him as he looked out at the German countryside.

'Kanda-san!', Kanda twitched at the sound of Chaoji Han's excited voice. 'Guess what? I found a banana!'

'Jesus', Kanda muttered. Something suddenly bounced off the marble railing he was leaning on, landing with a soft _splat!_ On the tiled floor.

Frowning, he leant down, not touching the charred object.

It was an ear. An ear with a purple stud.

He raised an eyebrow. Despite the level of burning, he could see a small mole on the body part.

'Lenalee?', he murmured. He shuddered slightly and stood up once more.

He looked around to see if anyone was looking, and quickly kicked the ear off the balcony.

'Good riddance to bad rubbish', Kanda absent-mindedly muttered. 'Ugh!'

That was a favourite phrase of his cursed mentor, General Froi Tiedoll, whenever he destroyed an akuma or ripped up a bad painting.

'Lavi', Kanda sighed. 'I don't know how the hell you managed this, but thank you'

'Kanda! T-The banana is gone…'

'That's because you ate it, dumbass'

* * *

**_Lol that was random :D_**

**_What i did about Lavi's eye is NOT what really happens (As far as i know), it's up to Hoshino-sama to tell the true tale :)_**

**_I think next time is Kanda's turn XD_**

**_-Lazy Llama- Reviews are welcome. if you flame, expect a reply 3_**


	3. Millennium Earl: Nom nom nom

**_Hey! Sorry for the late update, but all of my fanfictions have been moving rather slowly lately due to another Writer's Block :(_**

**_Enjoy! XD_**

----

Lenalee hummed out of tune as she skipped down the corridor, looking for one of her many _friends_ to talk too. She was depressed _again_ and needed someone to cry on. She turned a corridor, knocking on the all too familiar door of Kanda Yuu.

--

Kanda sat on the stone floor of his room, legs crosses, hands resting atop his knees. His dark eyes were closed, a faint frown etched on his face. His dark hair fell in a long curtain over his white-clad back.

Suddenly, a destructive presence. His frown deepened. He knew that aura anywhere…

Sure enough, low thumps rained upon his door, followed by a high pitched voice calling out his name.

_Shit._

His eyes snapped open and he jumped about a foot in the air, hair whipping around as he looked over at the door.

'Oh! It's not locked!', Lenalee said with her usual shrill laugh. Kanda's horror grew as he saw the handle turn.

He leapt to his feet, looking for somewhere to hide. His eyes fell on a vent lying beside his bed. He dove for it, pulling out the thin metal grate and shoved himself inside, kicking the grate under his bed.

He turned a corner just as his door fully opened, revealing a grinning Lenalee Lee.

She frowned at the seemingly empty room. Her eyes eventually fell upon a gaping square hole beside Kanda's futon. Curious, she walked over to it.

'Maybe he had something important to do and had to go through here!', she exclaimed. She tried wiggling into the hole, but got stuck.

'Or maybe not', she huffed. 'I can't fit in here! If I can't fit in here, neither can Kanda!'

After much effort, she managed to get out of the vent, frowning at the dents that had appeared around it.

'Hmmph', she muttered, 'Those must have been there before. Now, who else can I see?'

She made her way over to Allen's door.

--

The white-haired Exorcist was sitting cross-legged on his bed, an enormous pile of food in one arm, a battered book held in his other. The black hand holding it occasionally flipped over a page.

'Allen-kun!', a voice outside his door shrieked. 'I'm sad and I want to cry on someone!'

'Shit!', Allen squeaked, clapping a black hand over his mouth a second later. 'Pardon my French', he muttered. He scrambled off his bed, food and book flying, and dove for the trusty old vent lying beside his wardrobe.

Instead of bothering to unscrew it, he leant back and kicked it in, knowing there was very little time left to escape Lenalee.

He wiggled inside, kicking the thin grate back in place as he crawled down the narrow chute. One of the good things about being a twiggy, fifteen-year old boy was that he could easily fit into small places.

_Not twiggy, really_, he thought. _Maybe slender. But not twiggy._

Lenalee burst into his room a second later, sniffling. She blinked around at the empty room, eyes falling on a pile of food which had tumbled everywhere.

'He left in a hurry', she murmured. 'But where could he have gone?'

Her eyes fell on the slightly twisted grate and she moved towards it.

'Hmm', she said. 'Allen's certainly twiggy enough to fit in here. _A~llen!'_

The sound reverberated through the small vent, eventually reaching the said Exorcist. He gasped and clapped his hands over is ears as the shriek reached them. The little glass monocle resting on his vest shattered.

'I'm not here!', Allen called, clapping a hand over his mouth a second later. He sat there, frozen.

Allen's answer rang back clearly. Lenalee frowned.

'You aren't?', she said, disappointed. 'Darn. Oh well, Lavi might be in his room!'

'Good Lord', Allen whispered. 'Can anyone be that stupid?'

--

Lavi hummed contentedly as he stepped out of his private bathroom, fluffy towel wrapped a round his waist, water from his wet hair dripping onto his bare chest. He ran a hand through that unruly, crimson hair, one of the rare times it wasn't restrained by his headband or eye patch, both of which lay on his bedside table.

Just as he was about to slide on a shirt, several dull thuds rained upon his door. He froze, shuddering inexplicably.

'That only happens when-', he began.

'Lavi!', Lenalee said shrilly. 'Are you in there? Open up! Allen-kun and Kanda aren't in their rooms and I'm crying again. Let me cry on you!'

Lavi gaped at the door before whirling around, jumping on his bed and yanking the grate off the vent on his roof. A neat little ladder slid down, stopping halfway to the floor.

The vent was blocked both ways. A neat little note slid out. Lavi caught it, scowling.

_Mr. Bookman, _

_Your AvoidtheLenahoe Emergency Escape Route has some problems, but rest assured that the team will be there to fix it before you can be disturbed again! _

_Sincerely,_

_Albert of the AvoidtheLenahoe team, Black Order, Special Branch._

'Crap!', Lavi gasped. As he heard the doorknob turning, his eye locked on the one escape route he had left.

He quickly grabbed his eye patch and pushed open the window, clambering out on the ledge and flattening himself against the wall, panting.

'Lavi-kun?', Lenalee called, entering his room. It was empty. Even Bookman, who shared Lavi's room, wasn't there. The teen's red and black uniform lay neatly on his messy bed, his black bandana on top.

Lenalee frowned. 'Maybe he lost another bet to Allen and had to streak again…but I could have sworn I hear him humming!'

A loud tearing sound made her look over at the open window. She walked over towards it, peeking outside. No one was there. A fluffy white towel was stuck on the sill of the window above, flapping in the wind.

'I didn't know towels could fly', she murmured. 'Maybe he climbed out!' She tried squeezing through the window, but got stuck. She squirmed, panting a second later.

'Why are the darn windows so small?', she growled, still struggling.

--

Lavi groaned, disentangling himself from the tree he fell in. He dropped to the ground, picking leaves out of his hair. He hastily tied the eye patch around his head, looking around nervously. A squirrel looked up at him quizzically.

'What're you lookin' at, eh?', he said, smiling faintly.

The squirrel's black eyes travelled lower. It seemed to giggle before running off into the surrounding bushes.

Lavi gasped and grabbed a pair of fallen branches, covering himself and looking around frantically.

'What the hell happened to my towel?', he hissed furiously.

'Baka Usagi?', a familiar voice growled. 'What the hell are you doing here?'

'Yuu-chan!', Lavi cried, both relieved and mortified. 'I don't supposed I can borrow your jacket or something?'

'Che', Kanda scoffed, entering the small clearing. 'Even if I _was_ nice enough to lend you something of mine, I chop _that_ off if you attempt to cover it with the borrowed item.'

'Yuu-chan is so cruel', Lavi whimpered. 'How'd you end up here?'

'AvoidtheLenahoe Emergency Escape Route', Kanda said simply.

Lavi's eye widened. 'You bought one too?'

'Of course', Kanda said, raising an eyebrow. 'They all lead here.'

'Kanda?', another familiar voice called. 'Is that you?'

Allen staggered into the little clearing, grin widening as he saw the naked Lavi.

'You look like Adam, holding that leaf over your-'

'How'd you end up here?', Lavi interrupted, scowling faintly. 'AvoidtheLenahoe?'

'-Penis', Kanda muttered. Allen and Lavi looked at him quizzically. He shrugged. 'Someone had to say it.'

'Yep', Allen said, smile still in place. 'All the tunnels in the castle lead here. I daresay we'll be joined by others soon enough!'

'Mine was broken', Lavi sniffed. 'I had to climb out the window.'

'…And you couldn't put on a pair of pants at least?', Allen said sarcastically.

'I just got out of the shower', Lavi snapped. 'Anyhoo, she'll probably come sniffing around here soon-'

'Yoohoo! Lavi? I found your towel!'

The three of them shuddered at the horribly familiar voice and dove behind a large bush, peeking through its branches.

'How'd she find us?', Allen whispered, shifting into a crouch.

'Who cares', Kanda hissed back. 'Just shut up, Moyashi!'

'Not a bean sprout', Allen grumbled before falling silent.

Lenalee wandered into the small clearing, fat hand fanning her face.

'Boy, it's hot out here!', she exclaimed. 'Or is it just me?'

'Just you', the three boys behind the bush muttered. Lenalee looked over in their direction. She broke into a wide grin and started waddling towards them.

'I see Allen-kun's hair!', she squealed, reaching out.

The threee of them gasped and squeezed their eyes shut, waiting for the belly flop of doom to fall upon them.

It never did.

When they opened their eyes again, they gaped out into the clearing.

The Millennium Earl in his yellow toffee-like glory stood before them, grasping a squirming Lenalee by the throat.

'My, my!', he exclaimed. 'Here I was, hoping to catch a glimpse of Allen Walker, but instead I find you!', he shook her roughly, causing her fat limbs to flop pathetically.

'Let me go!', she sobbed. 'I'll cry on you!'

'That's your only weapon, dear', the Earl said sweetly. 'And I'm immune', he tapped his yellow coat. 'Waterproof!'

'What do you want with me?', Lenalee cried, sobbing noisily despite the Earl's warning.

He shrugged. 'I was about to leave, but you have done me a great insult!'

'How so?', Lenalee sniffed, slowly gasping for air.

'You're attempting to cosplay as me', The Earl said indignantly. 'Trying to gain a wonderful figure like mine, eh?', he tapped his protruding belly for emphasis. 'There can only be one Millennium Earl!'

'What?', Lenalee gasped.

'If you're so desperate to be me, I guess I can fatten you up a bit more', his yellow eyes eyed Lenalee with disgust. 'Not that you need much more…'

'I'm curvy!', Lenalee cried.

'My dear, if any man wanted to date a woman with the body of a chubby twelve year old boy, they would just date a twelve year old boy!'

'Burn', Lavi blurted out in a whisper. 'Shouldn't we be doing something?'

Allen's hatred for the Earl was put on hold as he surveyed the scene before him, smirking faintly. 'Wait a minute…', he whispered back.

With a small _pop!_, Lero appeared in the Earl's hand. The pumpkin-headed golem eyed Lenalee distastefully.

'Who is this whale in front of me, Lero!', Lero exclaimed. 'Keep it away from me before it eats me, Lero!'

'Calm down, Lero', The Earl chuckled tapping the quivering umbrella-like golem against his top hat. 'We're going to feed Miss Lee here. She looks rather hungry, don't you think?'

'Lero?', the golem questioned quietly.

The Earl waved Lero through the air and pointed it at Lenalee. A pudding shot out of it, cramming itself in her mouth. She choked before swallowing it.

Before she could recover, a chicken leg smothered in gravy shot out of Lero's head, forcing its way into Lenalee's mouth.

Food after food popped out of Lero's head, cramming itself into Lenalee's screaming mouth. With each mouthful, she grew bigger and bigger.

The buttons on her jacket burst, the material ripped at the seams and the metal Rose Cross hurtled towards the three hidden Exorcists, embedding itself in the ground between Lavi's legs. Kanda smirked and Allen and Lavi paled.

'Fatty, fatty, fatty!', The Earl sang merrily. 'You're getting round like a patty!'

'N'more!', Lenalee groaned between mouthfuls. 'I'm about to-!'

'Explode?', The Earl suggested. 'Why, that's the point!'

The tip of Lero's head shone wickedly as the Earl plunged it into Lenalee's huge stomach. The umbrella shrieked as it was opened to cover the Earl, bits of Lenalee flying everywhere.

The Earl cackled madly before disappearing in a puff of purple smoke.

Lavi, Allen and Kanda remained where they sat, shocked.

'…What just happened?', Allen said faintly.

Kanda was quicker to regain himself. 'We better move before the rabid squirrels come.'

----

**_Definately one of my favourite chapters so far XD I had to add a bit of Lavi fanservice :3_**

**_Just to clear things up, i have not written this 'cause i'm jealous of Lenalee. That's pathetic. No, i'm just sick of Lenalee and her shitty character development._**

**_The fancy excuse for writing this would probably be that im wanting to expand my skills and experiment with writing a horror fiction._**

**_Real reason: Someone has to kill that bitch._**

**_Till next time!_**

**_Llama-san 3_**


	4. Chapter 4

_Hey guys, this notice is going on all of my stores._

_Firstly, i'm sorry for not updating anything in months. Lots of stuff has been happening, and i'm losing my creative flow. Also, like i've said before, i've uploaded too many unfinished stories and i'm feeling the pressure =\ Anyhoo, i'm gonna delete most of the stories on this account and keep only about 3. The rest may or may not be rewritten/retitled, depending on my mood._

_There's a poll up in my profile. vote for up to 3 stories, and the ones with the most votes won't get deleted, but may be rewritten/retitled. _

_Thanks for sticking with me this far!_

sincerely,

Llama.


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